by Rebecca Erlewein
I recently had an easy appointment with my extremely gentle dental hygienist, and it threw me completely off balance. Not because it was terrible, but because it wasn’t. For the first time in my life, my body and mind remained relaxed while someone rummaged around in my mouth. I didn’t even have to concentrate! Until this time, I could never stay relaxed when things outside my control were happening to me. And as nice as it was to have an easy hygienist’s appointment, the experience was so unfamiliar it took me several days to process what had happened. And what it meant.
Brace for Impact
For 48 years, my default reaction to life was to tense up and brace against it. One of my
ex-boyfriends once said I seemed to be constantly “in a carefully controlled state of panic”, and that described my lived experience to a tee. In my late thirties, I got out of that state for the first time, but I fell back into it often. Three years ago, I first learned about hyper vigilance and complex PTSD
although I think “crappy childhood disorder” is a more helpful term for everyday use than CPTSD.
My nervous system only started to become more regulated after EMDR helped defused a bunch of
triggers left behind by childhood trauma. That, and regular relaxation practices have been
cornerstones of my ME/CFS recovery.
Recovery Checkpoints
Appointments like this one are like checkpoints for the long-distance trip that is recovery from chronic illness. They provide snapshots that allow me to compare myself as I am today to myself in the past in a similar situation. 18 months ago, I needed a week to recover from the hygienist’s appointment and the trip into town. Twelve months ago, I was able to stay mostly relaxed, but it required sustained effort. I had to focus on deep breathing and on dropping my body weight into the chair again and again for the entire appointment, and I needed three days to recover. Six months ago, I still had to concentrate on staying relaxed, but I only needed to take it easy on that day and was fine the day after.
That was New…
This time, the appointment itself was easy, but I needed the better part of a week to come to grips with this new reality. I know how hard I’ve worked to rewrite and update the default program of “everything is dangerous” that came with growing up in my family. But believe I’ve actually done it? That is scary, even with hard evidence… because what if I’m mistaken? I rarely allow myself to feel how bad things are while I’m still in the middle of them, because it’s terrifying, exhausting, and demoralising, and budgeting my energy is still a necessity. So, I soldier on and save the “yikes, that was horrible” jitters for later, when I’m out of the woods.
And that week, I cried a bunch… from relief and out of gratitude for the love and support I received that helped me get this far. I shed tears of grief and compassion for the girl, the wife, and the mother who was always on edge so she could at least feel somewhat prepared for the next terrible thing. This still feels unfamiliar, but I’m learning to be curious instead of scared. I’m beginning to trust this is real, that I’ve succeeded at retraining my nervous system. I didn’t even notice it at the time, but I’ve passed into a new way of engaging with the world. I can’t wait to see what this new way of doing life has in store for me! And I’m writing this down because, even a year ago, I had no idea how long this would take, and I couldn’t’t imagine how it would look or feel like.
Take heart—it might be your turn soon.
So, if you’re still in the woods, take heart! Keep doing what works for you, one day at a time, and keep on believing that one day, your persistence will yield the results you so hope for. Like me, you may look up and find yourself in the place you wanted to get to, and that you completely missed the border crossing on the way there. I’m rooting for you!